Major rant ahead that will probably piss people off  but I hope it maybe opens some eyes.

So yesterday I was reading all these scathing and critical reviews of the Barbara Walter's special about the open adoption.  From diaries to messageboards people were downright hostile about it.  Everyone I read wrote with such adamant conviction in condemning the program that I thought that perhaps I had missed it.

I mean these people were ranting and raving about how horrible ABC and Barb were for doing this program.  Surely they didn't jump off half cocked, right?

Wrong.

The damn program didn't even air until after those posts were made. 

I had seen, the day before yesterday, an interview with Barb about this program.  She admitted that ABC went overboard and did a bad job with the promotion - which includes the ABCnews website, although she didn't get specific over whether she was addressing the commercials or the website or the marketing of the show et al.   She was emphatic that the program itself was nothing like the promos were making it out to be.

So I figured I'd watch it first before making my stand.  You know the concept of being sure, right?

Know what?

Barbara was right.  The program was nothing like the commercials made it out to be.  In all honesty, why should anyone who has watched more than 4 hours of tv in their lives be shocked by this?   I mean, c'mon people, how many times have you seen a promo for a show and thought "Damn! Cant miss that!" and the show turned to be nothing like the commercials made it seem?

It's called marketing, people.  Geezus.

I had read people who were up in arms over the comment of "It's like being on the Bachelor".  People attributed this to Jessica, the teen who was having the baby.  No, it was made by one of the potential fathers, and it was made in a good natured, joking type way.  A point I'd like to make here is that sometimes people use dark humor to get themselves through a tough situation.  Doctors, nurses, police officers, soldiers - they all do it.  It's like the steam valve on a cooking pot.   That blast of steam that shoots out may not be pleasant but it's a damn sight better than what would happen if all that pressure stayed bottled up.

See, the issue I'm having over this is sooooooo many people ranted and railed about "the exploitation of these poor potential adoptive parents" and how their privacy was violated and how they were being put thru a dog and pony show, when in fact that didn't happen.  They were also furious over the supposed "contest" feel of the program.  Guess what, it wasn't there.  There was never a feeling of this being a contest and that the baby was a prize to be "won."   It was a documentation of an open adoption.  No one was eating bugs or standing on stumps to "win" this baby - nor were they doing any emotional or mental equivalents. 

ABC controlled nothing about the whole procedure.  They were there documenting this open adoption, that's it.  The potential adoptive parents all AGREED to be part of the process and to be filmed.

Then there's the whole "competition" angle people got pissed about. 

Let me open your eyes, folks, adoption is ALWAYS a competition, especially when the child in question is a healthy white newborn.  Every couple that goes through the process is screened, screened, and screened again.  During that process they have to prove that they are fit parents.  In the case of open adoption they have to "prove" themselves to the birth mother and make her feel as comfortable as she can that her baby will be loved and taken care of.   Rightly so.  But I saw nothing in this program that struck me as out of the ordinary regarding that.

Jessica dismissed two of the five couples that SHE HERSELF had chosen.  The fact that she wanted to meet with five families was unusual, as usually a birth mother focuses on just one at a time. 

Ok, so it was a bit unorthodox, but damn folks, you're dealing with a pregnant teen, quadruple the normal hormones coursing through her body, who is wrestling with the idea of giving up her baby.   So yeah, maybe she went overboard with the amount of couples that she wanted to screen.

Then again, maybe she just needed to be sure about it.  After all, it's a decision that she was going to be living with the rest of her life.  I feel like I'd probably be the same way, and so would a lot of other women.   Afterall, I shop around when I'm trying to decide on which purse to buy or which apartment to rent.  You'd better damn well know I'd be researching the fuck out of as many potential parents for my baby as possible to make sure I found the right family and environment for him/her.

Jessica commented that it was like "playing God", deciding which couple got her baby.  That seemed to piss people off but umm hello ..... isn't that exactly what she was doing?  Isn't that exactly what happens in every open adoption? 

Yes, it is.

It may be a phrase that grates on people's nerves but when you boil it down to the factual level, that's exactly what it is - one person deciding the fate of the adoptive parents, along with her own baby.  That's what adoption is about.

So maybe Jessica was being uncouth in pointing it out, but again, remember she's a pregnant 16 year old trying to make a monumentous decision that has to be one of the hardest for any pregnant woman to make, regardless of age.

Back to the program.  Ok, Jessica decided against two of the families, that left three couples.  One of those three didn't click with Jessica because she was uneasy about the wife's personality.  Fair enough.  But guess what.  While that couple was being told that another family was chosen the adoption center's representative said in the same breath "But we have a two year old little boy who was just dropped off, his mother has already signed away her rights and if you want you can take him home this evening."   Talk about a major twist.  Yeah, so it wasn't Jessica's baby they were going to get, but they got a child that very day.  And they were absolutely thrilled!

Of the two remaining couples, one backed out.  They decided this open adoption wasn't for them.  They were smart, as Jessica wanted to be a big part of her child's life.  They felt, as I did, that Jessica wanted the fun part of having a child without any of the responsibilities of having to actually raise it.

That left one couple, the couple that Jessica had chosen anyway.  They wanted an open adoption and they welcome Jessica into their home to visit the baby.  They feel that open adoption is a way to help alleviate those feelings of "My mother didn't want me" that so many adopted children have. 

I don't know that I could do an open adoption and have the birth mother so close to my child, but hey, it works for them so who am I to throw stones, yanno?

At the end of the program it was revealed that in the span of three months, all five couples had a baby placed with them.  ALL of them.  Everyone ended up with a child, in the manner that they were most comfortable with, be it open or closed adoption.

What chaps my ass about the whole thing wasn't the program itself, it wasn't the edgy comments made by Jessica or the potential adoptive parents and it wasn't even the piss-poor way ABC promoted the program, playing on the "reality show" angle.  Which now that I think about it, hey, it WAS reality.  It was just tacky that they put such a spin on it.  But once again I'll point out - don't commercials and trailers ALWAYS put an extra "oomph" into it, trying to nudge you into watching.  Hell, I'll even bet more people watched this program because of the controversy than would have watched it without it.  It was wrong of ABC to promote it that way, but c'mon folks, don't condemn the program which was nothing like the commercials portrayed it to be.

No, what absolutely chaps my ass about it all was the way people fucking leapt to their feet, denouncing the program without even having seen it.

That's judgmentalism at it's finest and that's something that makes my stomach turn.  The fact that people get all up in arms about something based on second hand knowledge, without keeping an open mind and exploring (in this case watching the program) for themselves first and THEN making a decision about it.

And that my friends, is an extremely dangerous situation.  I can't help but wonder about people who do this.  I mean, if they did it with a one hour program that really impacted very few people outside of the realm of the actual adoption progress, then what else are they doing it about?  What else are they getting up in arms over without doing the exploration for themselves?  It's like blindly jumping on a train without knowing the destination, and defending it tooth and nail. 

What if that train is headed straight into hell?

So, because I think it is extremely important, I'll say this again folks -

Keep an open mind about things until you have the chance to explore it, research it, experience it for yourself.  Then if you want to condemn it, you at least have the power of knowing what the fuck you are talking about.

End rant.

You know I love you, and you know it's okay for us to disagree. So I am. When I hear comments like "It's kind of fun to play God" that bothers me. You haven't ever adopted, nor do I think have you ever gone through the process. I have gone through the process -- and *yes* whether we like it or not it is a competition in the cruelest form. So when ABC decided to market it like Survivor that's where I became angry.

Also the unrealistic part about it was 6 months later all five couples had babies -- that's not always how it happens.

So we agree to disagree -- I also think that Jessica wanted her cake and eat it too. That's just me.

Part One of Two-
Well, this was well thought out, well written, and probably WILL piss a lot of people off. But then enlightened approaches to complicated issues usually do. And just imagine what a MESS this world would be if more people approached complex and difficult ethical issues like YOU do. Why hell, we probably wouldn't be in IRAQ right now trading the precious blood of our young men for the just as precious blood of Iraqis. Imagine what HAVOC would ensue if Osama-Bin-Laden and DUBYAH actually had bothered to TALK to one another and had tried to understand each other's grievances and fears... we might have missed the whole 9-11 thing. The world might be a little less insane and dangerous place.
But then again, the last time THAT happened was Peristroika and it was the Russians who thought that up, not some Red blooded American.
The fact is, BOTH positions are right... a certain amount of indignation and affront are reasonable when marketing people do what they invariably do... which is consistently shoot off video streams into Outer Space that are SURE to convince any Advanced Life that whatever exists down here should be erradicated... and quick!
But it's also true that you are fairly eloquently pointing out the flawed way people are so quick to demonstratively argue a position before they know all the facts.
Of course that's how the majority of the Human Race has functioned for centuries. Makes Me wonder if the Human Race will SURVIVE the Human Race.

Part Two of Two-
But you see, bisa, that's your whole problem... you don't think like the crowd... and that's really screwed up because that's how War's get stopped... and you know what we do to people who try to make PEACE around this planet dontya?
Truly, the real question in a debate such as this (and with ALL debates), is this... it ALWAYS matters less who's right and who's wrong, as HOW you go about defending your position. But as has been said before, "those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it."
And oh, btw, if history has proven anything, bisa, dear... it has proven emphatically that Judgementalism IS a train to hell.
Lots of good points on both sides. A little more reason and a little less passion might serve everyoone better, and I think you managed to find that tone, so... nice job, sweetie.
I may not agree with every point but I agree with the perspective you approached it from.
Non-judgementalisn is never as easy as Judgementalism, just as non-violence is never as simple or easy as Violence... but it's a helluva lot less bloody.
Keep using that beautiful noggin for something else besides a way to frame those sexy green eyes.
Nice job. No really. NiiiIIIIIIICCCccceeeeee!

Trin - Actually we disagree about very little. The spin ABC put into it's promos was wrong, very wrong. And we do agree that like it or not adoption is a competition. It's sad and heartwrenching but it's true. Jessica never said it was fun playing god, she said she felt like she was and my impression was it was said with the inflection of feeling overwhelmed with that realization. Yes, all the couples ended up with babies and that is unusual, as I said in my entry.

But my entry was about people who jump up and yell fire without even seeing if there's a spark to yell about first. That is what is scary and that is the cause, I believe, in a lot of what's wrong with politics and our world today.

Like I said earlier, this one we are going to agreee to disagree on. I can understand after seeing those ad's that ABC ran about that segment why many people would freak out. I sure as hell did, I couldn't believe what I was seeing. And in doing so, I wrote about how *I* felt. So if that's yelling fire in a crowded theater when I smell smoke -- oh well then sue me. Or call the Fire Marshall and tell on me

There was a whole lot wrong with that show -- the agency did not inform Jessica appropriately in regards to her rights. She didn't even realize until *after* she has signed her rights away to the adoptive parents that Ohio (where she lives and where she adopted Ryan out)is a non-enforceable open adoption state. Barbara Walters informed her of that. I felt horrible for that kid.

I think two children were exploited Bisa, I think Ryan *and* Jessica were exploited. She's still a kid in my book.

I also wanted to smack the shit out of her parents -- you do *not* make remarks like "Oh do you think he has my eyes" in front of the adoptive parents when you are there for a visit. That's just plain inappropriate -- just like her "playin God" comment. Yeah it's true, but damn girl, you think those things, you don't say them.

Adoption is hard. Hell infertility is hard. Just thank your lucky stars your uterus worked, and you got your two boys. You know my history and the heartache my husband and I went through.

And that's partly why programs like this, piss me off.

And you know -- I do think I know what I am talking about.

Anyhow -- It's a moot point I guess. It's over. I just hope that child isn't terribly confused as he grows up.

Bisa,
I agree with the major point you made, that people were getting entirelly too bent out of shape about the program without having seen it yet. The promotion of it was absolutely disgusting though. I believe that there are certain things that just shouldnt be put on TV, and this was my main complaint about the program, however tastefully they may have handled it. Not having seen it, but from your description, I still think it was a tad expolotive for the sake of ratings.

My parents became foster parents to an 8 year old boy in 2001, and the process by which they became foster parents was long, hard, and painful, and not just for them. I think a better program would have been about the corrupton of the adoption "industry", because that would have been much more benificial and maybe would have brought about some change. My mother is a therapist and actually knew what to look out for, but we still ended up with a child who nearly killed my disabled younger sister, because she said she had to go do homework and didnt want to play anymore. We later found out that he had an extensive history of violence and a propensity for attacking other children he percieved as weaker, along with countless other problems that the both the social worker and the previous foster family knew about but purposely hid so that the child could be placed in a home quickly, with absolutely no regaurd for the sitatuations that the agency was creating.
I appreciate and respect your viewpoint, but I still believe that this program was unnecessary, but for different and more personal reasons. I am sure that the majority of adoptions are not the horror stories that mine was, but I can't remember the look on my parents faces when they had to chose between trying to help the foster child or removing him from our home to prevent other attacks on my sister and cousin and have a healthy perspective.
I wish all the familes involved the best, and can only hope that the contorversy sorr

Bis - I am thinking of you today. And hoping you are having a decent Monday.