See bisa.

See bisa order brand new puter parts for a new puter.  

See bisa pace impatiently while new parts get shipped to Hero and He builds spiffy new puter just for her. 

See bisa dance around excitedly when Hero gets parts put together and logs on with her spiffy new puter to test it and make sure it is ~just right~ for bisa. 

See Hero ship bisa's spiffy new puter from Louisiana to Arkansas, via UPS. 

See bisa's spiffy new puter go from Louisiana, to Texas, back across Louisiana into Mississippi, up to Tennessee, then into Arkansas. 

See bisa go cross-eyed trying to figure out what mapping program UPS uses to ship with. 

See bisa get steamed when she mapquests and discovers it's a 7 hour drive from point of origin up to destination.

See bisa see the UPS man finally deliver bisa's new puter yesterday. 

Dance bisa, dance. 

She bisa blink in astonishment when cord from new monitor is 6 inches too short to reach tower.

Cuss bisa, cuss.

See bisa almost kick puter cuz it doesn't like bisa's new LCD monitor.

See bisa stumble across solution.

See bisa's eyes sparkle as spiffy new puter and monitor play nice. 

See bisa grumble when spiffy new puter plays mute and refuse to acknowledge sound card.

Grumble bisa, grumble.

See bisa learn how to open the case and move shiny boards around.

See bisa do numerous hookups, reboots, and un-hookups, moving puter repeatedly from floor to bed to operate, all the while fighting horrid backache cuz it's a really bad time of the month, plus juggling phone, flashlight and screwdriver, while blowing hair out of her eyes. 

Note bisa is hardware stupid.

See bisa almost beat the holy shit out of computer with Maglight Flashlight and hammer. 

No bisa, no!   

See bisa admit defeat and take spiffy new puter into local puter shop.

See bisa not shed those tears of frustration that are brimming in her eyes. 

Good bisa, good.

See bisa log onto JD's puter to stave off puter withdrawals.

See bisa crawl into bed, clutching cell phone in case puter shop calls to tell bisa that spiffy new puter is all better. 

Sleep, bisa, sleep. 

*tap tap tap*  Is this thing on? 

~crickets chirp~

Yeah, I kind of abandoned this journal - hell I kind of abandoned pretty much everything.  My life, the boys lives included, did a major flip this summer.   Things were super-busy, then they just sort of evened out.  By that time I was really feeling the stress from the major life change that I basically retreated into myself.  Writing, which has been cathartic for me in the past, wasn't working.  It became more of a chore.  I have never really written in a diary or journal for the purpose of having an audience -- well except for my forray into Diaryland Survivor last year -- and I basically figured if I didn't want to write for "me", I sure as hell wasn't going to write for anyone else.  I had had enough demands on my time and attention. 

I stopped creating tags and letters as well.  Just flat withdrew.  And the thing is, the major life change wasn't a BAD one, in fact it was a great one.  It wasn't what I expected it to be in some ways, yet in others it was more than I expected.  I'm still trying to get a handle on my new life. 

Yeah, I'm being vague, but in all honesty I hadn't planned on updating today so my thoughts are all over the place.

Let's say that right now in my life I'm more secure than I've ever been, but at the same time I'm still off balance. 

Clear as mud?  *g*

My plan, as far as plans go, is to either resume updating in this journal or to start a whole new one.  I'm not sure which one I want to do yet.  I'll keep you posted.

bisa

We can not change the direction of the wind, but we can adjust our sails.

I really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really really
hate snakes!

*shudder*

Yes, I just came in from taking the dog out to pee and we turned around to walk back into the house and there on the sidewalk, right where i was going to step - wearing sandals, mind you - a snake decided to slither up there at just that precise second.

Poor Jasper damn near got strangled because he didn't see the snake and had just climbed the step for the front porch and I went dancing backwards, dragging him with me.

Then the snake slithered (which is evil, I tell ya) towards the step for the porch.  Luckily it hung a right and went off into the yard.

I know I know - "garden snakes are our friends".

Ohhhhh fuck that shit.

I HATE SNAKES!!!!!

One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.

His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's care was open, as was the front door to the house.  Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and m ore piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went.

He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and ask me what in the world I did today?"

He replied "Yes? So?"

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

Finally home!  We made it in Saturday night and I can't remember the last time I was happier to be home in my life.  Let me tell ya, 1900 miles is a longggggg drive.  Especially when one is PMSing and everything the other person is doing grates on your very last nerve.  It's not like you can get up and move to another room. 

Except for running into a wicked storm in Amarillo, we had clear weather for the entire trip, so all in all it wasn't too bad.

Once we got home it was a matter of prioritizing - yanno - Do we unpack the maze of boxes that are in the bedroom or do we run out and buy a computer desk and chair, then buy a router and cables so we can get JD online? 

Guess which one won.

Yep, the latter. 

I mean c'mon people, you didn't really think I was gonna share my computer didja?  *snort*

---

The lack of privacy I'm experiencing is mind blowing after have pretty much unlimited privacy for the past three years.  This is going to take some serious getting used to.

---

I saw this on CNN and thought "How absurd".  Basically what it says, if you are too lazy to click the link and read it for yourself, is that in London they are trying to establish a Cyber beat patrol for cops. 

Certain cops will visit chat rooms, looking for potential pedophiles.  Either the chickenhawk type or the types that buy pedophillic videos and freeze their assets by backtracking their credit cards.

Ok in theory this is a great idea and they are swearing that it's not a Big Brother situation. 

Here's where I see the downfall.  The cops will be identified so that any chatter that logs in will KNOW there's a cop in the chat room. 

Under the plan, an officer would appear in a chat area from time to time to observe conversations and would be identified with a type of "cyber badge" or icon for the "Virtual Global Task Force" to let everyone in the chatroom know, Gamble said.

"We want to give the potential predator the idea that we are present to make them think 'will I loiter here or will I flee from that particular chatroom?"'

Umm HELLO?  Anyone else see the slight flaw in that plan? 

Until next time~
bisa

Things are really coming together here as far as this move goes.

Stuff has been either packed, thrown away or given away.  Guilt hit me in a big way the other night. JD is getting rid of about 80-90% of his stuff in order to make this move happen smoothly.  That, combined with the good-natured ribbing his family has been doing, sent me into a full scale panic attack.

He's had two failed marriages, I've had one.  Odds aren't in our favor.  Yeah yeah, it's a shitty attitude to have going into this but I'll be damned if I can help it.  I'm a worrier. 

Or a realist.

I finally got it through my head that I'm not forcing JD to make this move.  I'm not handcuffing him and forcing him into the drive.  He's a big boy and made his own decision.  Therefore I should be feeling no guilt. 

Right? *whimper*

God, there's so much to write and not enough time to write about it.  I'm supposed to be breaking down the puter so that we can take the desk over to JD's sister's house, along with the kitchen table and chairs and assorted other things.

I'd better get busy.  The next time ya'll will here from me I'll be home.

Ahhh, home sweet home.  Boys and Jasper.

 

 

Sunny California isn't today.  It's overcast here.  Since I can't lay out and bake my almost lily white skin in the sun I figured today was as good as any to do some cleaning. 

Boxes of stuff to be thrown away have already been filled and hauled out to the garage.  They'll be taken to the dump tomorrow.  There's still a lot left to pack.  The problem we're having is what to keep and what to toss.  Basically anything with no sentimental value and anything that can be easily replaced during a trip to Wallyworld is getting the heave ho.  We've whittled down the list of things that are going back to Arkansas. 

Stuff such as books, papers, certificates, pictures, knickknacks, etc are all being boxed up and shipped back by the friendly UPS dude. 

The refrigerator got picked up last night by JD's nephew.  This is a pain in the ass, as it leaves us using a friggen igloo cooler but at least it's one more item we don't have to mess with. 

Trust me folks, the thought of Bisa wrestling with a huge fridge makes me shudder.

Once it got moved that afforded us a look at the floor beneath it and the walls behind and to the side of it. 

In a word - "Ugh".

Three years of just guys living in this house have amounted to a shitload of heavy duty cleaning to be done.  At first I thought PineSol or 409 would do the trick on the greasy mess, but now I'm thinking grinder and blowtorch.

Do men not understand that you CAN move a fridge out periodically and clean behind and beneath it?

I'm guessing no.

I've got two walls done, but the wall over the oven is going to take some serious chemicals to clean. Any suggestions?  Amonia maybe?

My knees, back, hamstrings and abs are screaming at me from all the bending and stretching I've been doing.  Who knew that deep housecleaning was such a work out?

Actually, I did.  I've moved so many times it isn't funny.  What also isn't funny is that in all the times I've moved I've never EVER gotten the security deposit back.  And yanno, that sucks big time.  Especially considering that I've always had to clean a place whenever I've moved in and that whenever I've moved out the house was left spotless.

The landlord here is a bit shifty, I think.  He's letting the new tenants work off their deposit, which sounded like a very nice thing to me, leaving us with a few less things to worry about.  Until I realized "Hey, wait a fuckin minute!  He's letting him take JD's deposit!"  Because if the new guy did all the work, we wouldn't see a penny of it. 

So when the new guy showed up with the lawn mower and said he was going to do some yardwork I politely - yes dammit, I was polite.  Southern polite.  - informed him that we still had the house until the first and we'd planned on doing the mowing and other things around the house.

I think I scared him because he hasn't been back since. 

I'm ferocious I tell ya.  *grin*

I'm also smart or intuitive or whatever ya wanna call it.  There's just something that's nagging about the whole way the landlord is allowing this guy to work off his deposit.  It has me thinking that I could paint, paper and carpet this damn house and he'd STILL find some reason not to return JD's deposit. 

Therefore I refuse to kill myself cleaning up. 

Oh, there's still things that I'll do and have done - wiping down walls, cleaning out the shower, wiping down cabinets and shelves, but I'll be damned if I'm going to kill myself doing stuff that isn't going to matter in the long run.  Honestly had the fridge stayed and not been moved, I wouldn't have bothered yanking it out and cleaning behind and beneath it. 

Yeah I know what I said earlier.  Shuddup.

It's not like I have to use this landlord as a reference, yanno? 

---

I laid out earlier this week and got toasted.  The humidity here is so much lower than at home that I wasn't run back into the house after 30 minutes. 

I meant to stay out a total of 40 minutes, figuring 20 minutes on each side for the first time out would be just about right.

Umm, well that was my intention anyway.  I ended up dozing off.  The sun was so warm and the delta breeze felt so nice that I zoned out while baking my front and ended up doing half an hour on that side.  No problem, right? 

Flip

On my stomach, breeze blowing, sun shining, mtn dew in the shade under the chair, book in hand - paradise.

Until I woke up an hour later.

Hell.

I knew I was in trouble because I could feel the itch and burn before I even made it into the house.  Usually it takes a few hours for the red and pain to show up.  Not this time.

I slathered on some Aloe/Vit E lotion and started popping Ibuprofen.  That helped a lot.  Except for some stupid ass reason I forgot my chest.  Got the shoulders, back, back of legs all smeared but hell if I didn't forget my chest.  Now it's itching me like crazy and I walk around scratching it like I've got fleas or something.  *snort*

---

The boys are doing good.  Kimo opted out of going to his Pappaw's funeral, which I pretty much figured he would.  Gomez went.  He broke down again when the Preacher started talking but he hung in there.  He had his Dad beside him and my Dad standing behind him.  (It was a graveside service)

Sunday after the service Gomez came home with Dad.  He told Mom "This is the worst day of my life." and I got to thinking that yeah, it probably was.

And I wasn't there to help him through it. 

Fuck.

Yeah I know he was ok.  He was with my parents.  But still, there's just times in your life as a parent when you feel like you should be there with your kids. 

Kimo refuses to talk about it.  When asked Sunday morning if he wanted to go to the service he said "No, but hug Mammaw and Dad for me please, Pops", then he laid his head down on the table and said "And I don't want to talk about it."

Beyond that, they are doing great Mom said.  They got to go over to my brothers and go swimming and Bro grilled burgers and hot dogs for them.  Mom said they had a great time. 

They went to their Dad's Wednesday to spend the rest of the week with him and I'm guessing they'll go back to Mom's this weekend.

Jasper is at the kennel.  The way he ran into the place you'd have thought he was thinking in his little doggy head "Oh boy! A spa vacation!!"  He loves the place cuz they spoil him rotten there. 

I miss the boys.  I miss the dog.  I miss my home.  I miss my own computer with cable access cuz dial up sucks green donkey goobers.

I have to check my email thru the web because I'm not setting up access to my email accounts on JD's OE.  Nope, not gonna happen.  I can't talk to anyone on messengers for the same reason. 

Besides, it's hard to have a conversation with someone when you've got a shadow, yanno?  I've already informed JD that he's going to have to get a job when we get back to AR because this following me from room to room shit hasta stop.

Ack, lunch is here.  Gotta go. 

Dad and I went to LR last night to see X and his mom.  I felt like I needed to pay my respects and I won't be in town for the funeral.  X-mom in law got on my nerves in the worst kind of way when X and I were married but I will be the first to admit that she was always, always there for me when I needed her.  I just couldn't stay home.

It was really hard seeing both of them devestated.

I realized that when speaking to someone who has suffered a loss, people on the most part ask the same question and it's a really stupid-ass question, yet it's almost expected and it really is meant with the best intentions.

"How are you doing?"

How lame is that? 

I remember when my Granny died and when my Uncle died.  People would come up to me and ask the same question and in a way it was comforting, but that little girl part of me that was hurting wanted to scream "How the FUCK do you think I'm doing??"

Sooooo what was the first thing I asked Liz? 

Yep, you got it.

"I'm so sorry.  How are you doing?"

Liz, never one to mince words, replied "I really don't know."

Gotta hand it to her, at least she's honest.

X will be coming to Bisa-ville today and meeting me and the boys at my parents' house.  We agreed that it's best to tell the boys together.

We're going to leave it up to each of them as to whether or not they go to the funeral.  I'm guessing they'll both want to go, which is fine.  Dad suggested that X leave the boys with them for a couple of days and let Dad bring them to the funeral.  He promised me that he'd be there for the boys, which eased my worry a lot.  Mom said they'd take the boys to buy some dress clothes.  All they really need is just a new pair of jeans and a new shirt.  It will be a graveside service at a small southern church.  Bob never liked the big funerals.  He always said "Don't waste the time or money on me then.  I'll be long gone." 

X and his mom both urged me to keep my travel plans, even though I offered to try to change them.  Damn American Airlines wouldn't waive the rescheduling fees on my ticket though and it would have ended up costing me almost as much as I paid for the original ticket in just fees to change the travel date.  They both separately said "Bob would be the first one to tell you 'Hell yes you need to go!'" and they're right, he would have.  So I fly out bright and early in the morning for California.

I'm glad that Dad and I went.  When we walked up X was standing outside with his cousin and had just called my Mom looking for me.  She told him that we were on our way there.  I walked up and hugged him tight and just burst into tears.  He said "You didn't have to come, but I'm so glad you did."

When my Dad hugged him, X just lost it and broke down.  They have always had a good relationship and Dad wanted to be there for X.

X said that he was at work when he got the call that his dad had collapsed in the yard.  He tore out of work and 10 minutes into the hour-long drive he called his wife.  New Mrs. X wouldn't tell X anything other than "It's bad," which of course told X everything.

When X got to the house he said there were firetrucks, paramedics, and cops everywhere and crime scene tape strung up.  He leapt out of the Jeep and took off running to get to his dad and it took two police officers and the funeral home guy to actually tackle him to keep him from going to look.  I don't know how long Bob had been there, but it wasn't something that X needed to see.  He didn't need to see his Dad laying there on the ground, dead.

I got the boys home about 11:30 or so last night and it took a bit to get them settled.  I didn't get any sleep last night. 

I've got lots of errands to run today - DMV, Post Office, Vet, Pharmacy - then I have to get home to  and pack clothes for the boys and make sure Gomez mows the yard ... all in time to meet X about 2 or 3 at Mom and Dad's.    Then after that it's back home to try to get my stuff together and grab a nap.  I never can sleep the night before a flight so I figure at least attempting a nap is the best thing I should do.

Please, send up prayers and thoughts for my boys.  They are both going to be devestated by this news.  They adored their Pappaw.  I'm worried the most about Gomez.  They were very close.

Me?  I'm numb.